NON-FICTION

Chris Baah 

                    CREDITS: OSWALDO GUAYASAMIN 

         

          BOYS IN MEN'S CLOTHING 

What would you say makes a man a boy? Or what can a boy do for you to say “he’s a man now?”

As seen on the I Echo blog post “Girls are Selfish, Women are not,” we know maturity isn’t all about age. 

Back in the day, I was given a nickname, “little bow-wow.” Because like Shad Gregory Moss of G-Unit at the time, I was the smallest and youngest in every clique I found myself in. Over the years, this hasn’t changed. In school, with friends and currently in my profession as a Construction Site Engineer, I am surrounded by people who are older than me. 

Last year when I wrote, “Girls are Selfish, Women are not,” one of the very first questions I was asked was, “where is the one for men?” 

At the time, I laughed it off. Because I didn’t want it to be in any way a biased work of art. I didn’t want to write something I knew was a lie.

After four years in the Construction Industry, I would like to think I have met a lot of people with different attitudes and ways of life. Some months back, a superior of mine acted in a way I never thought someone as old as him or as financially independent as he is would do. 

What did he do to arouse my thoughts you may ask? Well, we argued about work progress. Without the knowledge that his boss could vouchsafe everything I had said, he tried to manipulate things to make it seem as if I told lies to the workers. He knew he was lying but he tried to make it seem I was. I was so angry at the time, I would return a slap if he had initiated one. Luckily, it didn’t come to that. My response was, “I have no reason to lie.” Then, I walked away.

As I ruminated, something kissed me. He might be older by age, but certainly, he lacks the very meaning of maturity. 

This created an epiphanic moment in my brain. I looked around my world and saw “men” including myself who wore bodies of men but underneath it, all were just messy little children.

There are a lot of superficial ways we can use to describe what a matured boy (i.e. man) is. One thing I have come to learn and agree with is, that being financially independent shouldn’t even be considered a benchmark to tell if a boy is a man. We all know how much of an importance money has. So for every “man”, having money or a source of income should be like breathing oxygen.

What Is Toxic Masculinity?

There’s nothing as beautiful as seeing a person be strong. Because strength is the only way one can live in this world.

In a community, there is always a leader. If the spot for kingship opens, and everyone was allowed to vie for the position, at least 90% of candidates will be men. If each candidate has something the community needs, that community will find itself in a monopoly. A monopoly can lead to people being deprived of service because they did not accept a candidacy.

Furthermore, in our society, the male species is seen as the head. This means that, if there comes a time when a man is financially down, he finds it hard to go to a woman to ask her for help. Without her help, he will die. Nonetheless, help he will not seek. Because “men are not supposed to ask for money from women.” 

Amy Morin of Very Well Mind suggests in “What is Toxic Masculinity?” that it is a nature that glorifies unhealthy habits.

In my definition, Toxic Masculinity is a sheer feeling of entitlement. Because a man feels entitled to a harvest, if he doesn’t get it, hell must be raised.

Entitlement and Unhealthy habits for example are when a child knows the toy is not theirs, yet they want it. To the point, they will cry or use manipulation/aggression to get what they want.

It is entitlement to power or respect not earned. Child! Because you drive a car or have your beard connecting doesn’t mean you’re a man. It’s so much more than that. The moment you try to use your power or something to prove a point to someone other than yourself, you start dwindling.

The Brother’s Keeper

A good friend of mine always says, “if you win, I see it is possible. Hence I am happy.” 

This is something a boy will barely agree to. Again, because he feels entitled to everything good, if another person gets it, he cannot be happy the person got it. Not even a slight show of congratulations because “it should’ve been me.” 

The reason my friend says, “if you win, I see it is possible...” is because, he believes in the principle that, if you can do it, it means I can do it too.

The ability to help someone or see someone soar higher than you do is what differentiates a man from a boy.

We live in connected cities. In the sense that, it is next to impossible for you to get a job without someone telling you about it.

A boy in a man’s clothing will tell themselves, “if I get him this job, he will earn more than I do, or close to what I earn. So, I will not give it to him.” The desire to be better than someone else keeps a boy from becoming a man who only sees competition as a race with nobody but himself. 

To supplement more on being a brother’s keeper, as said in The Balance book by Touré Roberts, a man sees that, “There is enough space in this world for your abundance and mine. This is not a competition.”

The Art of Vulnerability 

As a human being, I have come to see that one of our biggest sources of strength is our ability to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability is one of the most difficult things a person can do.

Children who water their bed or who failed a test find it a wee-tard difficult to tell an adult they have missed a mark. This is because they feel a form of shame. This feeling builds and builds onto adulthood. To a state where when they feel stressed by a job or are emotionally down, they bury it. Because “I don’t want you to see me as weak” or “I don’t want you to use my vulnerability to stab me in the throat someday.”

Trust me, although being vulnerable is our biggest strength, it is also something I find difficult to be.

When you pour out your vulnerability to the wrong person who makes you feel shame or more alone than you felt before, you dig a deeper hole for yourself. Their seeming state of perfection can make you feel like the person with boils all over their body.

Honestly, there are so many men in pain. They are in pain because they don’t think anyone will understand their pain. 

I say “men in pain” because the society you live in gave them this pain because you are “men” and “can take it.”

Maturity is a process. It is also a state of completion. This is why every man in pain is still a boy on the inside. Pain is part of the everyday life of humans. One of the ways to relieve mental pain is by talking about it. But, because I either don’t trust you and myself not to spill too much, in the front I walk with my chin held high, as my mind is like a volcano on the inside.

A man becomes a man who can handle his business the moment he opens up emotionally and frees his head. He’s like a broken artist that finally finds his muse, and paints his best work.

Independence is Half-Maturity 

Firstly, it is safe to say humans are not islands. We cannot do without other humans. However, this does not mean we have to hold fast to our mother’s breast even when the weaning period is over.

As said earlier, maturity is a process. Some days, I laugh off the idea that I am mature because I always ask myself, “man, how independent are you?”

Political Ideology defines Independence as when a person exercises sovereignty over their territory. 

Consider a man as an independent country. He is not a dog tied to the leash of his parents/colonial masters. However, he makes decisions good for himself because he can do so. 

The idea of sovereignty, however, does not mean that your ears and mind are closed to external opinion. There is room to listen in places where you fall short. As a man, being independent is when you learn to do it yourself and also know when to seek help.

When was the last time you saw an 18-year-old “adult” be told what to do? It is a fact that some men will wave the flag of independence when they want to do something stupid, and then, bring down the flag after their stupidity has brought a cake full of results.

Just like financial security, every form of independence is important. Being independent means you take a decision on your own and are ready for the result. 

Married but Still Single

On average, I think most males are into the idea of being married but also, single. Being single comes with the feeling of caring only about one’s self. It is about kissing Elizabeth in the morning and sleeping in Louisa’s bed at night. It is seemingly a boy’s job to go out looking for the thing that bore them.

Because, our society makes it a necessity for a boy to someday become a man, get married and make a family of his own, the man marries but the boy still wants to live single.

A boy and his friends were having a discussion the dawn before the man got married. The topic was, “how long do you think it will take before you sleep with another woman?” One of the friends suggested that it shouldn’t take more than a month after marriage. With laughter on their face, they played with the idea of infidelity as if it was another chess game. 

A psychologist once said that a person cheats because they saw in someone else what their partner didn’t give them. They desire to evolve. So, they must fulfil this evolution.

Being a man means one thing, responsibility, self-control and knowing what you want. These three can never be found in a boy. Because a boy will forever act on impulse.

If your marriage isn’t polyamory, then you need the three giants to function as the man of the house. 

Every boy considers it a necessity to take care of his children, financially and emotionally. It takes a man to take care of his wife too. To be responsible enough to care for her heart. To have the self-control to say “No!” when the head of desire rears.

I’m not married yet, so I can’t say much. But, I know my heart. I’ve seen it enticed by almost any black/chocolate-skinned woman in a satin dress. If ever I got married, I would ensure I know what I want enough to make sure my wife gives me that. Perfidy my desires evolve, I would like to believe she will fulfil them. If she can’t, I pray I have the self-control to say, No!

Sly Note: Those in a relationship would think this excuses them from said obligation. If you’re a lady reading this, and your boyfriend is one of them, you need to talk with him. Because being in a relationship is marriage preparation. 

Dear Self, Respect Self

Respect is probably the highest characteristic a man can have. When you hear “respect”, I’m sure the first thing that comes to your mind is “people call me, sir” or “they bow their heads when they greet me” or “they mind their tone when they talk to me.” All these are true, but they cannot come unless the first form of respect is gained. This form is “Self Respect.”

From time to time, one of my WhatsApp Status people shares a word in blue background; the same word. It says, “As a man, It is very important to go where you are appreciated.” 

This statement at its core simply means, that as a man, you need self-respect.

Boys and their ears go perking when they hear the word “respect.” It is the annoyance in their ears when an elder tells them. It also brings them joy when someone else tells it to them. Because boys lack self-control, they, however, find it hard to achieve self-respect.

Self-respect says I am self-conscious about the words that come out of my mouth and the things/people I associate with. It also says that “You might have hurt me. It doesn’t mean that I have to react to your actions. I will live past the hurt.”

Self-respect is the source of confidence that makes a man walk with his head held high. It isn’t boastful pride. It’s just self-respect.

Respect that treats others how he would want to be treated. More importantly, one that gives energy to where they are appreciated. This is a big line that differentiates a man from a boy. 

Life is about unlearning and learning. This is why Maturity is a process. So, if you have Self-respect as a man and cannot be vulnerable, it doesn’t mean you’re not mature. It just means, you are halfway there. There is always room for growth and better until we are dead.

Better can mean, you stop using the camouflage of a car or a house or position to hide that you’re just another broken person who needs growth. Be open to conversation with yourself and others. To not just have beards or the body but to be settled in your soul to be a generational thinker. One who does not hide away in anger like a child, but opens up, and works on being better.

Note to Self: Please stop hiding. Please grow.

                                          

Chris Baah is a published author who writes as a medium to free his head. He is a Children Literature and Flash Fiction Editor for Awensɛm Magazine and WSA Magazine respectively.