NON-FICTION

Testimony Ageh

                          CREDITS: LINDA ANNAN

                        

               

                 

                     I DON'T LIKE YOU

Beauty, Do You Think There’s an Opening?

“Darn you, boy.” I’ve never felt humiliated in my whole life like I did in front F-Man and his friends. It gets even worse when I think about how long I’ve worked for this man, and the little he knows about me. When I asked Beauty if there’s a possibility she could know about an opening – well, Beauty knows a lot of things, and ways about making money legally – she said yes, and promised me she’d call a friend. Three days later, I found myself in a club that operates at night, and I didn’t get through any formal screening because Dave – originally David – wanted to teach me on the job before he leaves for NYSC in the coming days. Apparently, Jerkys’ Grill Bar and Music needed someone loyal, someone they could arm-twist, and get out all the honey before they let go of the hive. And, who could provide that one, reliable person? Dave! 

Two hours into my first “learning on the Job" and the gossip about the intimidation F-Man exudes has given be filler about what to expect, but, as an unbelievable in callousness, I took their advice with a pinch of salt, and letting go of the salt. F-Man arrives shortly after, saw me standing behind the counter, and goes, “who the fuck are you?” My jaw dropped and reality set in about what I’ve been told few minutes back. I said, “Testimony.” Who answers ‘Testimony’, I, too, became intimidated immediately the name left my mouth, and I was hoping for an offense. “Testimony!” he barked. “I can’t call you that.” He continued. This was the height of intimidation. How can someone decide what I am going to answer if this is not neo slave trade, the audacity! I kept my cool. He said, “What are your other names?” “Uzuazoghenemaro” I learnt he was from Delta State in the small gossip that ensued between staff, and I thought to play my trump card, but he held the card, and shred it in pieces like a mad, angry, wild dog. “I can’t call you God. You’re not God, I can’t call you that! See, I’ll call you Maro” 

First Mistake

I was in my sophomore year in Rivers State University, and I misappropriated my school fees. I ate deep into it, it was 20k short. Beauty was my only hope to get me out of the situation, but I have to work for it. She arranged one for me even though I lacked the experience, but the risk was worth it, and I was going to learn on the job, anyway. I couldn’t bring myself to tell my father about the money because he believes so much in my ability to “control” – know when to do a particular thing, and when not to. Misappropriating my school fees was the ‘when not to.’

My first mistake was accepting to go back there after I wanted to run after the first day. I had a mental argument, and the resolution was that I get first month pay, balance my school fees and quit! Simply planned, but the execution kept me there for nine long months. Jerkys' Grill Bar and Music pay you whenever they wanted to – a month after the first month ends or two months, three months, depends on your department. 

As a bartender cum bookkeeper, I get paid 25,000 Naira for a particular month, and one thousand is usually deducted for tax. Yes! For tax. 

Struggling Between My Books and Their Books

Balancing Books at Jerkys is as torturous as sleeping in a mosquito-infested room. It never gets correct. Either you’re running at a lose, because the Club is unusually populated by friends of F-Man, and as such they are allowed to wander off without paying, or your family is getting insulted. In most cases, you don’t get to see those customers ever again, and when you luckily do, asking them for the payment is “harassment” and a possible fine from F-Man for disrespecting his customers. Most times, our salaries are at stake after numerous deductions from the accounts department: fines for slouching on the slab; fines for watching TV in the bar; fines for smiling; fines for not sending report to F-Man or a bottle of Guinness Stout not being cool enough for a customer; fines for not using the right cologne.

My GPA dropped from a 4.40 to a 4.33, and it threatened my academic goal, I had to put in more work, and the result emaciated me like I was a drug addict.

Pizza And A Bottle of Beer

Non-club nights are the best days, not for the club, but staff whose sanity have been threatened during club days. The reward is usually simple: a slice of pizza and a bottle of your preferred drink. This was F-Man's own way of saying thank you. Jerkys had its moments, especially when the management is being true to themselves. What saved me while waiting on salaries were the tips I get from customers whose satisfaction was met. And, this kept me going. 

I received my first pay in the third week of the third month, and it came in as 13,200 Naira. Management said the first month was “probation”, and this was for the second month coming in mid July. Apparently, I was fined 10,800 Naira for being an arse to F-Man. 

COVID-19 and Peace

The lockdown had set the tune of businesses around Port Harcourt, and the year had just started. Jerkys was usually a mess when the year starts, rumours suggested. We were paid December salary in February of 2020, and owed January, too. January’s came in March. And, F-Man demanded work. It was difficult to keep up because school had been on lockdown, and my parents were expecting me to come back home, but I have to collect what is due to me. Amid the lockdown, we were forced to go to work by F-Man, he partied, low key, all through the lockdown, but it would have been nice if we were paid our peanuts. Earning 500 Naira a day after transportation and feeding is not something to be happy about, talk more of not getting the 500 Naira in regulation time. Total piss!

“You know I don’t like you?” “Yes, I do, sir.” How dumb can anyone be to tell someone who handles your drinks and food, to their face, that you do not like them. Not in private, but in convert with your friends. To do what? Boost your ego?

If there’s something inherently wrong with F-Man, it is his fragile ego which he always attempt to check at the slightest opportunity. There’s no way one becomes the regular customer of his establishment and expects it to grow. Even when people offer to pay for their food and drinks, he assumes the responsibility in front, and barks at us when we present him the bill to pay later one. I remember how many times I have been held responsible for his failings;

Paid for a BBQ fish his friends ate after he offered to pay.

Paid for the chicken shawarma his missus ate.

Paid for his fish peppersoup

I paid for everything bill he transferred in my name. Lol.

The Message

I quit. 

Good day, sir. I am terribly sorry that I have to let you know through his way, but this is the only way I could reach you. I want to sincerely apologise for the inconvenience my absence might have caused. It was accidental, and I had to quit, stopped coming to work even. The lockdown took a toll on me and I had to travel to my family. Sir, I would love to have, at least, one of my two months salary owed to be paid. Thank you very much. I anticipate your response. Below is my account details.

Testimony ******

Access Bank

0767377***

Testimony, you have the audacity to send me this nonsensical SMS after efforts to reach you were difficult by different level of staff. However, in Jerkys, we have a policy: if you leave, you don’t get what is accrued to you. Well, good luck in your future endeavours. F-Man.

Blocked. BLOCKED. LOL.

                                               

Testimony Ageh holds a Bachelor’s degree in Mass Communication, Rivers State University. He was born in Port Harcourt, but originally from Delta State. He hopes his writing impacts someone one day, and give them the reason to believe. He tweets Tex_Timony.